gender and names rambling

[actuallyclintbarton]

Okay so!

As you may have noticed, I have my name set on this account to "Kate Matthew" rather than just Matthew or Mat or Shaun Matthew or whatever.

I don't really have a clear-cut explanation for this, but I'll give it a shot.

When I was four days old, I was adopted by the people who raised me. Mom and Dad have always told the story that they wanted to name me Katherine and call me Kate, but it occurred to them that it took a very strong personality to carry "Kate" and have it not devolve into "Katie", and they didn't really like "Katie". (It occurred to me a few years ago that that's a super stupid reason for not naming your kid something - YOU don't have to call me Katie, and if I like Katie then you have to deal with it. But that's beside the point.) So they named me Elizabeth after both of my grandmothers (who were Bettys).

Two days after they took me home, my mom looked at my dad and said "She's a Kate".

(They went on to name my sister Katherine, but she has never gone by Kate or Katie. She was Baby K, and then just KK, and sometimes recently Kay or Kitty, but never Katie, and never Kate.)

Fastforward through my life of nicknames - Beth in 7th grade, Lisse (pronounced like Lissie) in 8th and 9th, Evie until I was 22 or 23, then Beka as I try out the name my birth mother gave me, Rebecca - to October of 2011 when I came out as trans. At the time, I was sticking to "binary, but on the feminine side", chose Shaun Matthew as my name, and it was so much of a relief to not be "a girl" and nothing but that it took me over a year to really realize that I wasn't clicking with the binary male identity either, and cautiously tried out agender.

It fit SO much better. A year and a half later, it is still a perfect identity for me. I even found pronouns I like! (they're te/ter/ters, btw) And my relationship with gender presentation has shifted back a bit more feminine. I still dislike being misgendered as a woman, but as I'm a pretty busty person it's pretty inevitable, and let's face it, I love cute things. :3

What does this have to do with "Kate"? WELL.

Shaun was a name I liked well enough that went well with Matthew (which was always the name I liked for myself). Before I'd come out, I'd talked a lot about going by "Matthew Rebecca Rose" because I liked the idea of mixing a traditionally masculine name with a traditionally feminine name. Just to shake things up, you know? And now that I'm more comfortable both with my identity and presentation, I started thinking about getting back to that mix and shaking it up. But I also wanted a name I'd be comfortable going by. And then I got thinking on how I wish I could shake up my name sometimes because sometimes Mat doesn't quite fit for that day and I thought of how I've always wished my parents had named me Kate.

I mentioned it on tumblr, and I got two responses almost immediately. First from yetregressing basically being xir lovely self (and infinitely patient with me for never remembering xir proper pronouns because I rarely talk about xir in the third person) telling me to be who I am and xie'll always love and support me whatever my identity, and second from nvllify (i think) saying that I seemed like a Kate.

WELL THEN.

I've just decided to go with it. Kate Matthew [insert surname that Birdie eventually settles on for writing purposes here]. I kind of like it. I could go with Matthew Katherine to emphasize the Matthew, but I'm not a Katherine, I'm a Kate. And I like how Kate Matthew sounds better.

So yeah.

Other than just... sort of laying out what led up to it, I don't have much of an explanation for it. It just is, much like how I know I'm agender. Who I am just is, and I can do my best to lay it out but in the end that's all the explanation I've got.

Comments

[princeelmo]

how wonderful ;3; i love hearing other people's stories. and your chosen name is wonderful, too!

(my gender today is broken cd-rom, personally)

[actuallyclintbarton]

aw, thank you! I've gone through a fair share of aliases online that I still love too - Rosie, Bee, Sparrow, Apple, Kae/Kaeleigh, Fizzletwisp... lotsa names. I like the one I've picked right now tho. ^_^

(mine is usually purple, ngl. Though right now it might be mac and cheese. ...or maybe I'm just hungry...)

[sharpeningthebones]

Daaarling, would you like me to put on the water for mac n' cheese?

[actuallyclintbarton]

I'm not sure if we have enough butter.

Though we can just use more milk. And maybe a dollop of sour cream. ...do we have any shredded cheese?

YES PLEASE. ;_; ilu

[princeelmo]

i don't know if i can remember all my names :o

lets see: my birth nickname (lexie), anna is the only one i can think of. but people tend to take a lot of different spins on my chosen name now (anaximander), like 'axel'. i like them all tho :3


(purple is a great gender to have too ;3; )

(also, as an aside - spoiler alert but my middle name is actually elizabeth! i seem to be fated to meet other people named elizabeth. srsly. 0-0)

[actuallyclintbarton]

my birth name is Elizabeth Ann, so double connection! bwahahah.

I keep calling you "ax" mentally because for some reason my brain keeps changing anaximander to aximili so apparently i imagine you as a blue centaur-like alien with four eyes and a bladed tail.

(it's by far my fave gender. for myself.)

[princeelmo]

oh wow :o i love co-inky-dinks.

i go mainly by ax actually so your brain is 100% spot on! and also you can totally call me aximili. i'm so down w/ this.

and i totally did not know anything about that book series when i chose that name, either, and i was thoroughly confused when i saw people using it for an alien character because i was like 'wha? me? /)-(\'

(i think my favorite gender is dinosaur and enigma wrapped in stardust, currently. >.> <.< )

[actuallyclintbarton]

(it fits you, though, so it's a good gender to have for now)

[jewelfox]

Should we call you Kate now? Because I really want to be able to work into a conversation somewhere that "Kate is actuallyclintbarton" and watch the look on people's faces.

[actuallyclintbarton]

You may call me either! I'm still very fond of Mat, so it's not like. out of the running or anything. But you may absolutely call me Kate so you can work that into a conversation. ;)

I just started laughing when I was setting up this journal and realized I was putting the name Kate on an account called "actually Clint Barton".

[sharpeningthebones]

I don't have much of an explanation for it. It just is, much like how I know I'm agender. Who I am just is

This. So much this. I'm trying to come to terms with myself, not...as any one thing in particular but as a multitude of things. As a fluid thing. I keep thinking I'm okay with it but every time I have to shift in identity, I feel awkward and like I have to justify my existence and my choices.

I love you. I love you for being who you are, for trying on different names and presentations and all foo it. I love you as Mat, I love you as Kate and I love you by whatever else you choose to go b, if you choose anything at all.

[actuallyclintbarton]

This whole post was basically a mix of "laying this out for my own benefit" and "giving in somewhat to the urge to validate myself", but yeah. I could've made a post that was "well, I am agender and present moderately femininely, and my name is Kate Matthew now because that's what I've chosen" and that would've been just as valid as this whole mess, but it's hard to just do it.

Seriously tho, bitsy, you are who you are and what you are is an often-feral, fluid, shapechanging creature, and if anyone has a problem with that they can take it up with me. >:|

[sharpeningthebones]

<33333 I love you so much for this. I just had to sit with the stupidest grin on my face because of you and your sweetness.

I don't know, I might go with something new soon. Very soon. Possibly before i got to be tonight, I'm still thinking.

I am a shifty thing though, an odd shifty thing wtih paws and claws and packmates who are amazing.

[actuallyclintbarton]

Whenever you like, whatever you like. You know I'll have your back. Pack 5eva.

...also, I have no idea where calling you bitsy came from but I WILL CONTINUE IF YOU LIKE IT??? idk idk.

[sharpeningthebones]

Dude, I am so okay with it. :3 it makes me smile and I will happily wear the name as one of my many hats.

Also, I think of tiny spiders which just makes me happ.

[thelinesoflearning]

names are weird. and tricky. and. I'm running on too little sleep and too much doing things. but I love you and Kate Matthew just sounds really nice. it has good shapes and echoes. I don't know if that makes sense.

while we're talking about gender/names/identities, I do have one question. do you prefer to be big brother/ge ge, big sister/jei, alternately both, or something else altogether? because at some point I realized I kind of alternate the two with no rhyme or reason for you (in my head, anyway), and I don't know if you mind.

[actuallyclintbarton]

I don't identify as female but I DO still identify with a lot of traditionally feminine "roles" so to speak, and "big sister/jei" is one of them still. But also ge ge/big brother?

BASICALLY WHICHEVER YOUR BRAIN DOES IS FINE.

And you're right, Kate Matthew has good shapes and echoes. It's strong but gentle, and it kind of feels like a sudden waterfall drop off into a cool green valley. ...if that makes sense.

[thelinesoflearning]

EXCELLENT. you will probably get both tossed your way on occasion, honestly. thinking of people one consistent way is for people who are consistent.

it makes sense to me? <3

[kath_ballantyne]

Hello Kate Matthew