just focus and keep aiming

Hey guys, I live! FYI. no real reason i haven't been here aside from... well idk failing at these things i guess.

i used to be so good at keeping up with my LJ, back in the day. what happened?

anyway so today the girl who comes by to help us with cleaning is coming over to help us unpack some of the boxes that are still packed up. This would be fine, except that it was basically forced upon us - as in, it wasn't "she offered and we said yes" or "we asked" it was "the people who send her p much INFORMED ME that this was happening and I didn't have a choice in it.

Not to mention that they gave me a copy of the email, sent by someone I don't even KNOW who they are, that literally said "they MUST unpack, it is unacceptable for them to be living out of boxes in their own home" and that's pissing me off for a number of reasons, NOT THE LEAST OF WHICH is the fact that this isn't actually our home. It's theirs, they are allowing us to live in it. And that could change at any point in time. I don't think it will, but the fact is that it COULD, and since this has happened to us before (us having to get out of a place we intended to live in for at least a couple of years on very short notice) TWICE IN THE LAST TWO YEARS, I think I'm justified in not being comfortable with the idea that because it's where we're living it means that it'll be where we're living a month from now.

Not only that but a large part of the reason we're not unpacked? Is because I get legitimately anxious at the idea of unpacking everything. Actually physically sick to my stomach anxious. Why? Because the task of packing up a house - especially if you have to do it on short notice - on top of everything else that has to happen when you move is so horribly daunting. If even PART of the house is still packed up, or at least easily moved to a less-damaged box, then that's a little bit of stress relieved.

I mean yeah should we get unpacked fully? Yes. It will be nice. But it isn't hurting anyone that it's not done.

Not to mention now I have to accept without my consent the fact that there is going to be an outsider touching our things. Going through them. DECIDING where they go. I mean, for as much as there's room for anyway, we're still waiting on more storage options, but the point is FUCK THAT NOISE.

LOOK I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE SOME REQUIREMENTS OF US BUT WE HAVE BEEN COOPERATIVE AND ACQUIESCING FOR ALMOST A YEAR and I just want to text them right now and be like NO I CANNOT DO THIS I WILL SIT HERE AND UNPACK A COUPLE OF BOXES AND TAKE PICTURES OF THE BEFORE AND AFTER IF YOU WANT, BUT I AM REALLY REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THIS.

*grumble* not to mention i feel like i'm going to be more anxious for a while after some of the boxes get cleared out specifically because they're not packed up anymore, and my therapist is in France for two weeks.

ETA NOW WITH ACTUAL PAGE BREAKS AND SHIT WTF DREAMWIDTH

yeah, i continue to fail at dw. whoops.

So my conversion studying is well under way! (though i have to finish some reading tonight before my meeting with the rabbi tomorrow) Doing lots of reading, asking the rabbi questions, going to shul. Tonight's the first night of chanukah and it was AWESOME. I mean, I didn't do much, but the thing is I couldn't find a menorah that I could afford. We literally just moved into the house (and out of the shithole trailer, yay!) a week ago and I hadn't been able to find a menorah and it was just sad and I was going to have to make something from cardboard and tape and it was super sad.

I mentioned it on tumblr, and my friend Lauren said that if I wanted, she could send me one she'd had for years but never used. And I said YES YES YES and sent her my address and today I got the package (she even sent a box of candles!) and got to light my Chanukah candle and it was AWESOME. She got that menorah in 1997 for her bat mitzvah, along with two others, and had never liked it so had never used it. And now it's proudly sitting on my mantle.



Some shit went down that I found out about on Friday when we were talking and it'd been a really rough day for me, so I thanked her super super much, and she said this to me:

I will steal something I read once on chabad.org (wretched hive of scum and villainy though it may be): "There is a Jewish belief that Judaism is not just good for the Jewish soul, it’s natural for the Jewish soul. The soul feels at home when it says Hebrew prayers, experiences a Shabbat table, or puts up a mezuzah. These acts are what makes the Jewish soul comfortable. A Jew has an innate affinity towards Judaism."

I see that affinity in you, and I think it is the very least I can do to help you on your journey. I'll drop the box in the mail tomorrow. <3

I literally almost started crying in shul waiting for shabbat service to start. Baruch HaShem for awesome Jewish friends.

BASICALLY UM.

IDK.

I'm alive, we're in a house, and I am so so blessed to have amazing friends who are helping me on my journey into Judaism.

yes that's right, folks, your friendly neighborhood katie-kate is STILL ALIVE!!! Have an update post in a totally haphazard manner that may not entirely make sense!~

we have moved into a trailer with working AC (and gotten one of two definitely-required air circulators, so birdie can use her office but our mattress is still in the living room) and we're working on getting settled.

i think i'm dealing with autistic burnout from the extended stress of the past 8-9 months, which is... unfun. Especially since it's made my temper much shorter and my ability to shut my goddamn mouth before i cause more trouble that much less functional.

i had a p bad meltdown a couple nights ago that i'm still paying for, physically and emotionally. Bluh.

On the bright side, we have our own space and it's very nice to have that again, and i have a couple weeks at least to just... rest and recuperate before i have to do much regular adulting.

Mal's staying with us for a couple nights bc their mom went on an immature hissy fit, which makes me feel a little bit (right now) like there are too many people in the house, but I don't begrudge them the visit IN THE LEAST. Seriously, like. I would not have offered if I wasn't ok with it, and their mom was being awful and pissing me off from across town, the house is just a little over-full for the next couple days.

There was a little bit of drama with a neighbor regarding some stray starving kittens and their probably-about-6-month-old mama that the neighbors decided abruptly that they owned when we decided to take them to the SPCA instead of letting them go feral, and by "a little bit" i mean the cops were called, TWICE, but the kitties have not been seen outside since the second time so I am hoping that they are actually getting the care they need now, and that's all that I really care about in the end.

in other news, seeing people call me kate and km continues to make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. aw yeah finding names that fit. kind of wish i'd realized how much i like kate when i started going to temple bc now i'm torn between sticking with mat and shyly asking if they mind switching to kate. chosen names are hard sometimes.

i was gonna try to catch up, but my pants are completely bankrupt. Did I miss anything big? Or that you want me to know? Leave it here. <3

Worked a week at the pet store. Got through four days before my body went "NOPE". Talked to the manager about it, didn't come in Friday, thought I'd be coming in Monday to talk to him and the owner about if I think I can handle working there (I can, if I'm only working 2-3 days a week) and if they had a place for me. Could not get either of them to call/text me back all weekend. I'm thinking this is a wash. Which is disappointing, as I was very fond of working with the puppies.

Need to find a different job. And a house. And convince my dad to give us a loan so we can RENT a house since we don't have the ability to save up over a few months to get deposit and first/last months' rent and all. Bluh.

Okay here's the plan:

1. Wake up Bitsy by 2:30 NEVER MIND! They just wandered out. :3
   
2. Get out and about by 4
   
3. Swing by an athletic store to see if they have smartwool socks (I can't find mine)
   
4. GOODWILL BEFORE 5 THEY CLOSE AT 5:30
   
5. Weep over my sleep schedule and having to be up early tomorrow
   
6. Locate my passport
   
7. Contemplate going to the laundromat for a load solely for the purpose of washing my really dirty sneakers (though I'm p sure that no one will mind if my sneakers are dirty at the pet store

Also, tomorrow is day 1 of my week of trial working at the pet store up in Carrollwood! It's... like 40 minutes away from where we're living now and idek how I'm gonna handle gas money, honestly, but it's a job with a lot of potential and a good work environment from what I can tell, so mrrrh. And they're not making me do an application or a usual interview bc my cousin suggested me when the owner asked if she knew anyone who was looking for a job, which is kinda nice.

Plus, y'know... dogs... dogs everywhere... PUPPIES :D

I have a random thing to tell iamshadow because i was reminded by our first conversation:

I went to a Shavuot study at the synagogue on Tuesday night, and there were posters that we took down at the end.

The were held up with that blue tack stuff. I asked the rabbi if she wanted it back and she said I could keep it.

:33333

my favorite color has been purple since before the inception of dreamwidth.

you can tell because back in the beta days, i was in one of the dw irc chats and they were talking about how they wanted to do different color options for the layout, and I offered to do one, and I made it purple.

you see it on the top of the site whenever you use the tropospheric purple site scheme, unless someone basically did the same thing I did.

(to be clear: one of the design admins or whomever gave me a high quality version of the original red logo and I just recolored it, but I remember very specifically deciding on that almost-bright purple to go with the lighter lavender and if they didn't use my colors they stuck damn close)