Can you just not?

[actuallyclintbarton]

Hey guys, I live! FYI. no real reason i haven't been here aside from... well idk failing at these things i guess.

i used to be so good at keeping up with my LJ, back in the day. what happened?

anyway so today the girl who comes by to help us with cleaning is coming over to help us unpack some of the boxes that are still packed up. This would be fine, except that it was basically forced upon us - as in, it wasn't "she offered and we said yes" or "we asked" it was "the people who send her p much INFORMED ME that this was happening and I didn't have a choice in it.

Not to mention that they gave me a copy of the email, sent by someone I don't even KNOW who they are, that literally said "they MUST unpack, it is unacceptable for them to be living out of boxes in their own home" and that's pissing me off for a number of reasons, NOT THE LEAST OF WHICH is the fact that this isn't actually our home. It's theirs, they are allowing us to live in it. And that could change at any point in time. I don't think it will, but the fact is that it COULD, and since this has happened to us before (us having to get out of a place we intended to live in for at least a couple of years on very short notice) TWICE IN THE LAST TWO YEARS, I think I'm justified in not being comfortable with the idea that because it's where we're living it means that it'll be where we're living a month from now.

Not only that but a large part of the reason we're not unpacked? Is because I get legitimately anxious at the idea of unpacking everything. Actually physically sick to my stomach anxious. Why? Because the task of packing up a house - especially if you have to do it on short notice - on top of everything else that has to happen when you move is so horribly daunting. If even PART of the house is still packed up, or at least easily moved to a less-damaged box, then that's a little bit of stress relieved.

I mean yeah should we get unpacked fully? Yes. It will be nice. But it isn't hurting anyone that it's not done.

Not to mention now I have to accept without my consent the fact that there is going to be an outsider touching our things. Going through them. DECIDING where they go. I mean, for as much as there's room for anyway, we're still waiting on more storage options, but the point is FUCK THAT NOISE.

LOOK I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE SOME REQUIREMENTS OF US BUT WE HAVE BEEN COOPERATIVE AND ACQUIESCING FOR ALMOST A YEAR and I just want to text them right now and be like NO I CANNOT DO THIS I WILL SIT HERE AND UNPACK A COUPLE OF BOXES AND TAKE PICTURES OF THE BEFORE AND AFTER IF YOU WANT, BUT I AM REALLY REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THIS.

*grumble* not to mention i feel like i'm going to be more anxious for a while after some of the boxes get cleared out specifically because they're not packed up anymore, and my therapist is in France for two weeks.

ETA NOW WITH ACTUAL PAGE BREAKS AND SHIT WTF DREAMWIDTH

Comments

[jewelfox]

Dear goddess why do people do these things >_>;;

We may be having to vacate our apartment very soon sans Yuro ._.

EDIT: "i am a hurricane of hidden neuroses" would make a great hit single on the album "wired without a manual."

[actuallyclintbarton]

idk man. and for the past year we have been explicitly telling them what we need for anything to start getting better: help getting on medicaid, help applying for disability, and at the VERY LEAST antidepressants for both of us but especially Birdie. Nothing can significantly change without those things.

And what have they still done pretty much NOTHING about almost a year later? DING DING DING, those three things, even though I try to bring them up pretty damn often. it's just SO FRUSTRATING.

ugh that sucks i'm sorry. :c I hope you don't?

(and hahah oh man seriously. wired without a manual, if nothing else, would be great for an album about dealing with mental illness and trauma and shit.)

[jewelfox]

Yeah ._.

I don't know what else to say, except that we're really sorry about all this and you can have all the hugs if you like.

[actuallyclintbarton]

thankfully stephanie got here (an hour and a half later than we thought but whatever) and I'd already unpacked a bunch and there's not much more we can do without more shelves, so she's just cleaning and i can breathe easy.

Or, well, as easy as I can as I remove boxes from the house. But still.

[umadoshi]

That's pretty messed up. ;_; I'm sorry they're doing this to you.

[actuallyclintbarton]

i am so tired of it. -_- It's not really stephanie's fault, so I'm not SUPER mad at her... but I am going to tell her when she gets here that we're sorry, neither of us is entirely comfortable with her going through our stuff, so if she can just clean instead, we'll work on unpacking or whatever and if anyone has a problem with that, she can direct them to us.

not that i'm emotionally up to the fight right now. km hawkeye is in the metaphorical hospital recovering from throwing terself off a roof our out a window or whatever. km hawkeye is just going to sit here and feel old and decrepit.

[alexseanchai]

...whoever these people are, they have no business doing this to you. If you want to live out of boxes indefinitely in a place that is definitely 100% yours, that's your choice, everyone else should respect it. Given your givens, everyone should doubly respect your desires.

Not to mention your boundaries.

[actuallyclintbarton]

Well I mean part of the problem is this ISNT our place even a little - everything is in their name and they're paying for the rent and utilities and shit.

So like.... Either you can control how we live, or we can try to consider this OUR HOME even if it's not. But we can't do both

[alexseanchai]

Yeah. :(

[shipwreck_light]

WELL IT ISN'T AS IF YOU HAVE WIERDOS BUTTING INTO YOU HOUSE AND YOUR STUFF.

I mean.

UGH. Not cool. Was it jerkface from last week? Where do I send her pornspam?

Ah, actually, you could start with an email. "Having other persons I don't know handle my possessions is unacceptable."

[actuallyclintbarton]

RIGHT? I mean generally there aren't, to be fair. But ugh.

On the bright side, I'd done enough work on my own that when Stephanie got there she was like "oh good job you did a lot of work today, huh? Go sit down, you're probably tired!" and then proceeded to just do her normal cleaning.

Stephanie, at least, is good people

[iamshadow]

I don't think I've ever lived somewhere that didn't have stacks of boxes, except maybe the house I lived in until I was 11. Seriously, my mother's back deck is filled with stacks of boxes and plastic crates full of her sewing stuff, and she's lived in her house for 22 years.

I'm staring at a stack of boxes right now, at the end of my couch. They're full of sewing and knitting supplies and photographs. My bedroom is more storage space than living space; mostly yarn and raw fleeces for spinning. And that is fine, because it's my damn stuff, and I'm not interested in throwing it away.

[alatefeline]

GRRRRRR. That is NOT OKAY. Major boundary violations; however you got there, your dwelling place is your place, it SHOULD be the place where you can live your way as long as it doesn't harm anyone. Sympathy. You may have to live with it but you don't have to like it, and I would so be smudging with sage or something and/or making a hidden go bag after that person got done. HISSSS.